This is Erling Haaland's world and you're just living in it.
We love the Champions League.
After a weekend that saw football in England brought to a standstill, a fresh round of group-stage matches in Europe's elite club competition could not have been timed any better.
Matchday two gave us relief for Liverpool and records for Messi. There was UEFA defiance, there was Haaland. Because of course there was Haaland.
This is the Champions League and these are your winners and losers. Enjoy.
Getty ImagesWINNER: Liverpool & Mo Salah
Held by Everton, ripped to shreds by Napoli, anything but a win against Ajax would've been unthinkable for Liverpool.
It wasn't anywhere close to perfection but Jurgen Klopp's side got the job done and they're off the mark in the Champions League for 2022-23.
The added bonus? Mohamed Salah scoring his first Champions League goal in eight (!) matches.
The Egyptian has been nowhere near his best this season but his goal – and the win – will be a welcome relief as the Reds head into a two-week break without any football.
AdvertisementGetty ImagesLOSER: Robert Lewandowski
Getting burned by your ex cuts deep.
Matchday two was teed up rather nicely for Robert Lewandowski to return to Bayern Munich and rub their faces in it but it didn't go according to plan.
In fairness, Lewandowski received a largely positive welcome from a fanbase who hadn't forgotten what the Pole achieved in Bavaria but the reaction might not have been as cordial had the Barcelona striker found a way past Manuel Neuer.
He probably should've done too – that huge chance he blazed over in the 18th minute was uncharacteristically wasteful – but it wasn't to be, for Barca or for Lewandowski. Onto the next one.
Getty ImagesWINNER: Mbappe, Neymar & Messi
Neymar and Kylian Mbappe aren't the best of friends. That much is obvious. So how do you keep them both happy? Simple: goals.
Goals make everything better and in Haifa there was one each for Mbappe and Neymar, while the GOAT also got in on the act – it's the first time they've all scored in the same the Champions League match. Everyone goes home happy tonight.
Spare a thought for Cristiano Ronaldo, though – Messi surpassed his eternal rival on Wednesday night as he scored against a 39th different Champions League opponent. We doubt CR7 was watching though, he's got the Europa League to prepare for.
Getty ImagesLOSER: Tottenham's flaky defence
Messi, is that you? Marcus Edwards – once of Tottenham – did his best GOAT impression on Tuesday night as he slalomed his way past the entire Spurs defence before being denied by Hugo Lloris for what would have been one of the all-time top Champions League goals.
A let off for Antonio Conte's men but they weren't going to get away with it.
They had to wait until stoppage time but Sporting finally got their reward as first Paulinho flicked home into the far corner of the net to give the hosts the lead before Arthur Gomes sent Emerson Royal back to London on his way to adding a second.
Truth is, if wasn't for Lloris – who made six saves in total – it could've been a whole lot worse.